The Best Sort Of Accident

“You messaged me out of the blue.
I wasn’t looking for anyone,
In fact I was too busy running from someone else,
But I slowed down enough to reply
“Hey.”
You slowly became my good morning text,
My drunken phone call,
My tearful FaceTime when work had wrung me out like a dirty tea towel,
And you were there,
Always.”

You Can’t Catch Me Now

I figured out that joy isn’t in your arms. And though you left me with an empty heart and a bloody hole where it used to be. I took the time i had to get to know me. And you stayed still frozen in time you haven’t changed a bit since i saw you last and you look at me and you see a woman on the move, i’ve grown since you left and the gods honest truth baby the biggest act of love you ever did for me was breaking my heart that summer day.

You bashed my heart upon the rocks and I bled like a murder victim, if you never said anything I doubt i’d have come this far. I’ve lost some weight but gained some confidence, learned to see i’m better then you in every way. And whats hysterical is you can’t seem to take your eyes off me.

You’ll be trapped here in our small home town behind that deli counter for god knows how long and I’ll keep moving on and go places you never dreamt of going. Your occupied by day dreams and i’m off living each dream we spoke of, and you think a sip of alcohol is all there is too living well I have news for you sweet love of mine. You haven’t even scratched the surface you haven’t even began to see the world out there.

So tell your friends i’m crazy you only feel like saying that now because you can’t have me. My girlfriend’s better then yours, she’s loyal and true, atleast she grew up giving a damn about life, about love about me. I’ll watch you fade to black and white and you can watch me living in technicolor, next time you’ll reach for me baby you wont be able to reach because I’ll be on the next plane outta town. Destination everywhere.

I Long For You

I miss you
The same way
The sun misses the earth
When the moon comes out to play
I long for you
The same way the wolf
Longs for the moon
When the sun rises
Perhaps the wolf
Loves the moon
Because its a lover
She can’t reach,

But despite the pain
I long to bathe
In your radiance
And dance to the music
Of your voice

Time and distance
Can’t heal everything
My ebony goddess
In my eyes your like the stars
So beautiful but much to far
For me to reach

And though the wolf howls
In the black of night
Though the wolf cries for the moon
The moon refuses to shine
Only deaf ears hear the howls
Of the lone wolf’s song

Until the day comes
When the moon shines bright
The wolf shall run in the darkness
Of the night

And if the light should ever return
To my eyes
I’ll wait for you my lady
beneath the starry skies.

Blank Spaces

If we closed the distance and we spoke the words we felt, lay in the dark together talking about heaven and hell. After one too many glasses of wine i’d find your lips you’d find mine. Lets fall into the darkness baby together we can escape. Ragged breaths and clothes falling to the floor, i’m biting your lips and you say you want more. We are young and we are reckless for a change we’ll play the game. And as the new sun rises we’ll drink coffee and talk about dreams, go for walks on freshly fallen snow, such simple things I know. 

Cold nights follow sun soaked days, we’ll lie by the fire doing our own things, and then you’ll catch my eyes on you, the look you realize like a predator to pray and we wont care whats wrong or right we’ll keep playing the same old game. 

But fear is power above all, i’ve known you for so long, we’ve seen each other at our worst we could work this could be perfect. Theres blank spaces between my fingers where yours should be, theres a place in my bed where I imagine you lying next to me. I don’t know what were doing but if we closed the distance, we could do impossible things. 

I’ve got a Blank Space baby, and i hope i’ll write your name. 

For Her I Am Unworthy

She is a never ending pirouette  no matter how fast I turn I can’t keep up with her. Running as fast as I can, I pursue my dancer but she evades me. I remember the day I met her she was all vinegar and spite but like soothing a cat I stroked her fur just right, and soon not a single day passed without a word shared between us two. The beginning for us was innocent for me and you. 

I chase her through the trees my ebony goddess, her dress of forest green like a cape as she dances from my grasp. The first time I saw you I had to stop and remind myself not to stare, you were so perfect in every way. Your laugh was better in person and the way your fingers curled around mine when I held your hand was like locking every thing i ever felt into place. 

I’m so close to catching her as my fingers graze her warm skin, a flutter of hope thrills my heart and the sun begins to shine. Over the summer when we kissed, leaning against my car startled both by our actions and how good it felt. I remember the way you melted into me. Your lips were soft, explorative and craving you tasted like the meal we shared and secrets hidden in the rain. 

Clouds darken the sun and the warmth of my dancer’s skin evades my touch, through the trees I watch her run into the warm arms of another girl. Someone far more deserving, but why does the beast crave the beauty? Because we love the things we cannot have. I’ll live on in memories of kisses and cold movie theaters in laughter and planned out scenes, in the end why would you miss a crucible with a butterfly kiss. 

His Choices

I put five years into loving him, of helping him putting up with ever fault and issue, of working through my own to be a better person. I put five years into loving his flaws and his perfections being his only cheer leader, i put five years into it all. He left me without much explanation July 2nd, 2014 and since then he just confessed he’s been sleeping with one of the very few people i trust in this goddamned town. True we werent together when he started sleeping with her but it still feels like cheating especially since he says he wants me back. 

After i yelled at him a lot i gave him a ultimatum, her or me. If he doesn’t choose me I am gone from his life forever, he’ll get every gift he ever gave me back and i’ll burn the pictures of us. I’ll shatter every memory like he did my heart. 

I doubt she even cares the girl i mean, her name is Sam. I doubt she gives a damn that what she did was wrong. 

I hurt so much I could just scream for ages, i did say i may forgive her and i may forgive him one day but this…this is so much i feel like i am caving in from all the pain. 

But i love him. I must be the stupidest girl in the world. 

Maybe he will choose me, maybe he wont, i just know i wouldn’t choose me either. 

Love

I’ve often wondered if I am worthy of being loved. If loving me is safe for other people, because I feel like I abuse love. I become so sublimely comfortable with that other person I let down my guard and run to them when I need help, I let them hear me cry and I fall into a sense of security that only shatters the relationship. I’ve lost dozens of friends…family members…even my soul mate. 

Its a human disposition to desire to be loved, and I dream of a day where my soul mate will tell me he wants me back and he’ll suddenly shout it from the roof tops…”I love Nicole”. But lately I feel like that day will never come and that perhaps…I am not worthy of that moment where my life is back to how it should be. 

I know I always love others more then they love me, I am a intense passionate person, I will always love my soul mate more, my friends, my family. It opens me up to be wounded over and over again and I have been broken so much i feel like I will never be repaired. Perhaps I should bask in the love of friends but close my self off to romantic love, perhaps being single will be what lets me life a year or two more. I fear love, i fear the oncoming storm of paint hat comes with trust, I can’t imagine a single moment where I haven’t felt like I was not worth it. Perhaps I wont take the risk every again of letting myself love and be loved in return. Perhaps I should turn it off, numb my emotions and drift away mentally so no one can harm me.  

Dozens of people have told me and hundreds of people will tell me I am worthy of love, but in my own eyes i have never been worth the trouble of opening up to others and letting them into my damaged little world. Its dark in here and everyone just gets hurt. I’m not worth anyone’s time, i wasn’t worth his and I wont be worth yours either.