Its been awhile

Its been a long time, since i’ve written on this blog. Life, school, work, adventure, swallowed me whole and I gave in to the temptation that is laziness. But since I last wrote on this blog, this sort of strange journal of mine…so much has happened. The biggest thing being, I lost my mom. Saying ‘lost’ sounds sort of silly, she passed away, she’s gone and I wont find her again. I know in the grand scheme of things i’ll find her in the rays of sunlight in spring but right now it doesn’t feel all that auspicious.

I’m going to try to start writing again, about anything and everything like i did before. There is something strangely soothing about putting my words out there, no matter how empty or meaningless they  may be.

Rambling Texts You Wont Answer

I wish i could hate you but if i broke you, you ground me into dust. Theres not much left and it hurts to exist. When i even dare to think of last Christmas and when you gave me that beautiful necklace it feels like a bloated lie. Hearing you say “i promise” used to fill me with warmth and safety because you never broke a promise till you saved them all up and broke them all at once. Im dead in the water struggling to appear happy and normal to everyone. My loving friends who advise me to forget you and the hole in my heart but for some reason i still love you. If i think to long i fall into depression’s familiar cold embrace. Theres no one for me anymore. Its not fair the pain the torture the cruelty. I hope your proud. Avoiding you has become a art form and i am a master. I wish i didnt have to exist in the same world as you because though i throw bandages on the wounds they wont stop bleeding and though i lie to everyone and tell them i dont hurt anymore The only truth is all of me loves all of you and all i want to do is move on and forget how badly you fucked me up. Maybe I’ll learn to trust others again but for now im stuck crying into my nightmares while my pain gives you pleasure and you laugh at me like you did with all the other ex girlfriends. To think the kindest people have been the ones with hearts you broke. They just never loved you like i did. Like i do.

Mental Illness And Me

Growing up I have never felt normal, i was always nervously scratching at my skin tearing patches of it off  and getting rid of imperfections, i was always anxious and scared with my thoughts racing leaving paranoia in it’s wake. I was always going from super happy to dead inside within seconds and doing things I could not control. My body is very broken, but its my body as is my mind. Society as a whole forget that mental illnesses are no different then heart disease or asthma, you take medication to manage them and make the body function normal and that is the same with treating mental illness. I have five professionally diagnosed problems with this old brain of mine and I am going to explain them as best I can.

Clinical Depression: True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Some days I am on top of the world, some days I am so happy i feel like flying, and its like theres a click in my mind and with no warning i feel like I am falling and while the ground is rushing towards me i’m trying to pull up and keep flying but it just does not work. I feel the sadness down into my soul, it aches in my bones and I end up losing the love of things I normally love all the time. I began treatment for my depression when I was seventeen years old and finally at age twenty one we have found a medication that is seeming to make a difference and help my brain level out. I’ve had countless amounts of people tell me to ‘get over it’ to pretend i have no problems or to just smile anyway. Depression is a disorder that lives in your soul and destroys who you truly are and without proper treatment can lead to death. Its not something to tease about or misunderstand its serious and truly painful to live with.

Anxiety Disorder: An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been the brave coward, always so wound up tight with fear and tension but always too reckless for there own good. Though the cocktail of mental illnesses I have tend to make me a little zany it would appear, it took me a decade and a half to first feel what it is like to be calm. I started treatment when i was seventeen and the first day on the medicine I was so mellow I went to my counselor and asked her if I was dying haha! She told me I was like a spring, I was so used to being wound tight that when the medicine loosened me up I didn’t recognize the feeling. When my anxiety acts up i scratch or peal at my skin i move my leg alot. I get out of my seat, i pace i walk in circles I sit back down. Anxiety is a huge part of my life and my personality it would seem, having this issue has made it so I literally run from the classroom at the mention of public speaking.

 

Impulse Control Disorder: is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or others.

 

We all have impulses, or cravings to do things. Someone living with ICD does not have the ability to resist those cravings. One of the most prominent things my ICD does is the need to hit people, I hit people all the time. Well i did, hit people. Sometimes something goes wonky in my head and I see what i’m doing-i’m asking myself why I am doing it and then bam its done. Or it happens without me noticing and someone is saying to me “hey! why did you slap me!?” and honestly? I had no answer. It escalated for years growing into greater acts of violence that left me guilt ridden and believing I was truly a monster-a beast who needed to be put down. At long last I took part in therapy with the right doctor who helped me find the root source and to understand myself and my problem so I can be treated. I’ve gone two months without hitting anyone, I don’t want to-i do not need too nor will I do it. The guilt eats me alive but now i can start healing myself and the ones I hurt. Living with this issue is like being possessed I don’t have much control over what I do and its maddening, but with the past few months I have become stronger then I have ever been and have finally gotten control over my impulses-though I will have slip ups I know I will get even better then before.

Dermatillomania:The primary characteristic of Skin Picking Disorder (also known as Dermatillomania or Excoriation) is the repetitive picking at one’s own skin to the extent of causing damage. Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking. However, Skin Picking Disorder may involve any part of the body

Well what can I say? it falls under the impulse control issues. I pick my skin, I do it all the time i tear flesh that looks bad I really can’t help it. It goes beyond biting your nails though it goes as far as pure panic and picking at dry skin, it goes as far as waking up in the morning your nails covered in dried blood your fingers raw and still bleeding. It goes as far as having scars on your face, scars you cannot hide even though your ashamed.

Eating Disorder Otherwise Not Specified: (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS

Anyone who knows me wouldn’t realize I have a eating disorder when the look at me. Normally i love food, i enjoy eating. But that monster in your head that doesn’t really ever die is still there, my freshman year in high school i was 5’4 and weighed under  eighty-five pounds. I became a pro at never eating and felt ill when I did, I started the road to recovery by sophomore year and by Junior year its like my body turned against me. I started all my medications along with worsening issues in my spine and the weight flied onto my body leaving me depressed and disgusted with myself. Lately I am dieting and Ednos has reared its ugly head again and I am doing my best to be stronger then that issue even though its hard. I’ve lost so much weight (the healthy way) it really is addicting to see it keep going. Though I do know I can be stronger then my disorder.

With the stigma surrounding mental illness in today’s society its become scary to even talk about one’s problems. I hope that this post will help others understand me more and will help remove some of the stigma to those who suffer like me.

pain

I am filled with pain that no drug can numb, no sense of being no life to hold on too, my heart is broken and i was to young to love like the world would end tomorrow. My body hurts so much and I am just so tired i fear i am losing touch with what its like to feel happy, my eyelids are heavy and i fear every moment my phone shakes, i’m exhausted straight to my bones. 

All i do is love him i guess that makes me foolish all i do is love him and he does this to me, i gave him a choice and something tells me he chose her. What did i do so wrong? 

The pain has left me lethargic…i dont mind going back to sleep. 

His Choices

I put five years into loving him, of helping him putting up with ever fault and issue, of working through my own to be a better person. I put five years into loving his flaws and his perfections being his only cheer leader, i put five years into it all. He left me without much explanation July 2nd, 2014 and since then he just confessed he’s been sleeping with one of the very few people i trust in this goddamned town. True we werent together when he started sleeping with her but it still feels like cheating especially since he says he wants me back. 

After i yelled at him a lot i gave him a ultimatum, her or me. If he doesn’t choose me I am gone from his life forever, he’ll get every gift he ever gave me back and i’ll burn the pictures of us. I’ll shatter every memory like he did my heart. 

I doubt she even cares the girl i mean, her name is Sam. I doubt she gives a damn that what she did was wrong. 

I hurt so much I could just scream for ages, i did say i may forgive her and i may forgive him one day but this…this is so much i feel like i am caving in from all the pain. 

But i love him. I must be the stupidest girl in the world. 

Maybe he will choose me, maybe he wont, i just know i wouldn’t choose me either. 

I’m so tired today it hurts, I ache with that soul deep exhaustion that seems to have no end. Just as quickly as Ryan walked into my life he was gone, leaving behind him the ache that exists when he leaves his place in my heart. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear his voice, My heart skips a beat when he texts, and I can’t help but beam happily when he says ‘I love you’. Everyone says he is on his way back to me, his actions and words seem to everyone, say it all. He told me the two rings he had given me, my promise rings from him that I had returned to him the day he left still sit in his car and he sees them every day. I find myself wondering if that picture his mother put of us in the family room, is it still there? Are the gifts i’d given him still scattered about his room? I miss the way his room smelt, like his cologne and that scent that seemed so unique to his body. 

I miss lying in his bed watching him take care of our reptiles, I miss holding our dragons while he cleaned there tanks, cuddling them and kissing there noses enjoying time with such unique creatures. I miss how his house felt like home and his bedroom was our secret place. I miss how loud everything was, my life is so quiet now…

I know he isn’t gone for good I know theres a good chance i may get him back i just have to be good enough. I’m scared more then anything that I wont be good enough though, that I’ll lose him forever. When half your soul resides with someone else how do you watch them walk away? 

Love

I’ve often wondered if I am worthy of being loved. If loving me is safe for other people, because I feel like I abuse love. I become so sublimely comfortable with that other person I let down my guard and run to them when I need help, I let them hear me cry and I fall into a sense of security that only shatters the relationship. I’ve lost dozens of friends…family members…even my soul mate. 

Its a human disposition to desire to be loved, and I dream of a day where my soul mate will tell me he wants me back and he’ll suddenly shout it from the roof tops…”I love Nicole”. But lately I feel like that day will never come and that perhaps…I am not worthy of that moment where my life is back to how it should be. 

I know I always love others more then they love me, I am a intense passionate person, I will always love my soul mate more, my friends, my family. It opens me up to be wounded over and over again and I have been broken so much i feel like I will never be repaired. Perhaps I should bask in the love of friends but close my self off to romantic love, perhaps being single will be what lets me life a year or two more. I fear love, i fear the oncoming storm of paint hat comes with trust, I can’t imagine a single moment where I haven’t felt like I was not worth it. Perhaps I wont take the risk every again of letting myself love and be loved in return. Perhaps I should turn it off, numb my emotions and drift away mentally so no one can harm me.  

Dozens of people have told me and hundreds of people will tell me I am worthy of love, but in my own eyes i have never been worth the trouble of opening up to others and letting them into my damaged little world. Its dark in here and everyone just gets hurt. I’m not worth anyone’s time, i wasn’t worth his and I wont be worth yours either.