The Best Sort Of Accident

“You messaged me out of the blue.
I wasn’t looking for anyone,
In fact I was too busy running from someone else,
But I slowed down enough to reply
“Hey.”
You slowly became my good morning text,
My drunken phone call,
My tearful FaceTime when work had wrung me out like a dirty tea towel,
And you were there,
Always.”

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For Her I Am Unworthy

She is a never ending pirouette  no matter how fast I turn I can’t keep up with her. Running as fast as I can, I pursue my dancer but she evades me. I remember the day I met her she was all vinegar and spite but like soothing a cat I stroked her fur just right, and soon not a single day passed without a word shared between us two. The beginning for us was innocent for me and you. 

I chase her through the trees my ebony goddess, her dress of forest green like a cape as she dances from my grasp. The first time I saw you I had to stop and remind myself not to stare, you were so perfect in every way. Your laugh was better in person and the way your fingers curled around mine when I held your hand was like locking every thing i ever felt into place. 

I’m so close to catching her as my fingers graze her warm skin, a flutter of hope thrills my heart and the sun begins to shine. Over the summer when we kissed, leaning against my car startled both by our actions and how good it felt. I remember the way you melted into me. Your lips were soft, explorative and craving you tasted like the meal we shared and secrets hidden in the rain. 

Clouds darken the sun and the warmth of my dancer’s skin evades my touch, through the trees I watch her run into the warm arms of another girl. Someone far more deserving, but why does the beast crave the beauty? Because we love the things we cannot have. I’ll live on in memories of kisses and cold movie theaters in laughter and planned out scenes, in the end why would you miss a crucible with a butterfly kiss. 

I’m so tired today it hurts, I ache with that soul deep exhaustion that seems to have no end. Just as quickly as Ryan walked into my life he was gone, leaving behind him the ache that exists when he leaves his place in my heart. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear his voice, My heart skips a beat when he texts, and I can’t help but beam happily when he says ‘I love you’. Everyone says he is on his way back to me, his actions and words seem to everyone, say it all. He told me the two rings he had given me, my promise rings from him that I had returned to him the day he left still sit in his car and he sees them every day. I find myself wondering if that picture his mother put of us in the family room, is it still there? Are the gifts i’d given him still scattered about his room? I miss the way his room smelt, like his cologne and that scent that seemed so unique to his body. 

I miss lying in his bed watching him take care of our reptiles, I miss holding our dragons while he cleaned there tanks, cuddling them and kissing there noses enjoying time with such unique creatures. I miss how his house felt like home and his bedroom was our secret place. I miss how loud everything was, my life is so quiet now…

I know he isn’t gone for good I know theres a good chance i may get him back i just have to be good enough. I’m scared more then anything that I wont be good enough though, that I’ll lose him forever. When half your soul resides with someone else how do you watch them walk away? 

Silly Fears

I am afraid fo the future, of the future with out you where you are free and in love with another girl and I am alone, afraid of the future where I am with you and I fear seeing you leave again. I say this not because you are a bad person, no I know you are a good man but I fear the moment you choose another, and one day we pass each other at the movies or in school. You’ll raise your hand and point at me and say “Oh thats my ex girlfriend” and a audible gasp will be heard coming from her lips. You’ll have told her so many stories by then, the crazy ex girlfriend you dated for four years, the one with the broken family and the cuts on her wrists, the one who hits people and has panic attacks. 

I know you will tell her because that is what you did when you met me, telling me stories of your past girlfriends and in my immaturity I laughed. You promised forever and I believed in those seven letters, i believed they meant something and in my heart of hearts i should have known. There is no harm my love in speaking of the past but still i fear the stories you will tell of a girl whose soul is bound for hell. 

Commitment

I’ve never been the kind of person to simply hook up, whether it be in friendships or with lovers. I wont pretend that I am virtuous i have had my fair share of make out sessions and frisky moments that never saw the light of day, but i never simply dated for fun. To me its always been about finding a companion, someone to be with me for the rest of my days, as foolish or old fashioned as that may sound. Dating has always been about love to me, and its never been a purely physical experience. My shortest relationship was one month and that was because my boyfriend at the time died rather suddenly, after that I dated my abusive girlfriend for two whole years before I got into a nearly five year old relationship. 

Now that I am single friends and co-workers keep urging me to get back in the dating game when i’ve only been single for about a month, first of all if you truly love someone your heart and mind needs time to heal. Second of all thats not who I am, i don’t go out to events looking for a partner, i don’t go to classes wondering if he/she is the one, I don’t look for love. When I am ready I sort of relax and love comes to me. 

When I met Ryan i wasn’t looking for him he appeared and together we were for ages. Short term was never in my mind and at the time it wasn’t in his either. When I make a friend I don’t intend to be there friend for a moment i look at it as six months to a year or more. Same thing with dating, i am committed to that one singular person you know? 

My peers call me old fashioned, foolish and stupid. I don’t care this is how i am. 

He Loves Me

He said he still loves me which is a good thing right? I should be jumping for joy, he loves me he says he wants to come back to me soon…I don’t know why but i am filled with dread and fear.  Perhaps the joy isn’t coming because im scared i’m so scared he’s lying or something that he isn’t telling the truth, perhaps i’m scared he will come back and then just simply leave again. This whole situation has been a steaming pile of bullshit, but the only situation that feels right is being with him. The girl who is into me it feels right with her on a physical level, I am desperately attracted to her, i could sleep with her easily perhaps even fall in love some day but when I imagine my life in ten years I do not see her. As much as I want to see her, as much as I would be honored to have her as my own from now till the end of our days I do not see her. 

She knows I wont go out with her yet because I feel it would be unfair to her, my heart is damaged broken and crushed into tiny pieces of brittle glass. But those tiny broken pieces belong to another, they belong to Ryan. While I can try to imagine myself with her whether it be for a month or a decade it makes my stomach do a flip flop-not the kind that is the tell tale sign of butterflies but the kind that come when something just isn’t right. 

When I look at the things he has said through out this ordeal and I take his words his “I love you so much” and I imagine my life with him once more, over coming yet another challenge and perhaps being stronger for it in the end. I find myself settling into the day dream, not because it is familiar but because it feel right. 

I know I am only twenty one years old and I have ages to explore what it means to find the one but i’m not willing to let go of him until I’m sure he’s gone. For now he keeps reaching out, keeps sending me notes tells me he isn’t sure where this will go down the line. He tells me he wants to come back, now anyone reading this may wonder what is stopping him and I can say I honestly do not know. 

He has suffered so much in the last few years of his life that this melt down was a long time coming i suppose. He’s not been seeing friends nor speaking to anyone about the breakup or how he is. He evades peoples prying questions and if there is anything I know my Ryan is good at it is putting on a show. He can make anyone think he is okay so long as he laughs and smiles, but over the years of being together of knowing him and his soul I learnt the difference between a hollow laugh and the ones that made him toss his head back and his voice explode from his throat filling the room. 

For the first time since i’ve known him he has become…quiet. He no longer fills the room with his presence, he no longer boasts loudly of accomplishments, nor does he engage passerby in conversation. My friends and those watching have taken to saying he is cruel for what he did to me, that i should give up. While I agree his actions were not ideal, how do you give up on someone you love? How do you give up especially when you of all people can see something is wrong. 

Time heals all wounds..or so they say, and perhaps by understanding and helping myself I am helping him as well. Perhaps today’s conversation was a sign that he is following the candle I left in the window…a light to guide him home. 

Disposable.

Written July 6, 2014 

Well it happened.

My boyfriend/fiance of nearly five years left me. Suddenly and unexplained well semi explained. I know i know what your thinking, “i told you so” but thats not the case. We didn’t fight, thats the fucked up part, we didn’t argue we didn’t have it a long time coming. I called him on the way home from a job interview and he spoke to me in the same voice he always does, sweet loving tender and caring. “I love you so much, i can’t wait to see you.” etc etc. One hour later I was home and he was heading his way over to my house, I sprinted down the stair case out to the garage to let him in and he was standing there a look of death on his face.

At first i thought one of our pets died and i pulled him to me to console him and to hold my own tears in. But then he took my wrists and firmly pushed me AWAY, from him and said the words i never in a thousand years dreamnt i would hear. “I’m leaving you.” I thought he was joking and i shook my head in pure denial and then ended up crying…no crying is a gentle word for what i did. I was sobbing.

Here he was my soulmate tearing my heart out with a face that grew steadily colder, steadily more calculating. With the cool precision of a surgeon he told me he can’t be with me. Not now, maybe never again. He explained that he’s still in love with me but there are parts of me that need to change and after four and a half years of no change what so ever (in his eyes) he had to go.

I was destroyed. I still am, this only happened maybe four days ago. I dunno Heather says don’t pay attention tot he days its unhealthy. I texted Jon and told him what happened, being the amazing guy he is, he rushed across town and while he headed my way Heather stayed on the phone with me. I cried in his arms for maybe an hour or so straight before my asthma kicked in and i couldn’t fathom breathing for a few moments.

Fast forward to the night before July fourth, I texted him demanding a explanation and he came back with the most broken upset text about how change needs to happen and that I have no reason to trust him etc and that maybe one day we will be together again if he is lucky enough to be welcomed back.

I really don’t know what happened to force his hand, I literally analyzed every single detail with Heather hashing it all out and the issues seemed minor the only big one is my impulse control disorder that I just started being treated for. See unlike people who impulsively buy things or gamble, i get aggressive. I hit, break things, slap, kick, scratch (myself only) self harm, bruise myself, etc theres a weird tick in my brain that sorta doesnt click the right way like everything else.

So here I am. Single. For the first time in seven years, I really wish he would call me and explain to me why he left or just call me and say he wants me back because being the stupid bitch in love i am i’d run to him. What he did to me was cruel, it was beyond cruel, like Ashley said “I wouldn’t even do that to someone I hated.” but the truth is, I love him. Painfully, deeply, madly. If he calls me and asks to be with me again to work things out I’ll go to him I know I will.

I’m hurt, well no..more then hurt I’m devastated. I feel like I am not good enough, and I wonder did I gain to much weight? I gained alot of weight since graduation, alot to do with the drastic medication changes I went through to find a good place to manage my mental illnesses but also for awhile I was so depressed I forgot about being healthy. I know that ‘getting healthy but no commitment’ was definitely part of why he left me. I guess that is my fault big time, but not for not sticking to something-for not telling him I was.

After so many failed attempts at diets and work out regimes that when I started to cut down on food at home and work out more I chose to tell no one but my parents what i was doing. I thought this way I can’t jinx it. I’ve been working out, eatting less for over a month while researching diets to help re-do my entire life. I guess I should have told him…then again I guess going from a anorexic girlfriend in 2009 to a obese girlfriend in 2014 is alot to ask of a 19 yr old guy who comes from a very fit family.

When i started going out with him I weighed in at 109 pounds, I was in the slow lane for recovery from anorexia bulimia, disorders my ex-girlfriend had bullied me into. I was a twig in his hands back then, but right after I met Ryan I finally accepted my parents offer to get help for my issues and went to a shrink. Suddenly I was on medication and my appetite soared, then suddenly I was gaining weight, but wait! I was tired more often I slept more, I was already in the habit of eatting w/e the fuck I wanted so I ate like a fool.

Four and a half years later I am obese. Thanks to medications, bad habits, declining health, chronic pain and I wont lie. Self loathing. Six months into my relationship with Ryan my health took a sharp turn for the absolute worst as far as my back goes. For years i’ve dealt with pain in the lower lumbar of my spinal cord, agonizing knife like pains that turned to spasms which left me at times paralyzed stuck in bed for awhile with tears in my eyes or bent over on my side in a desk at school.

Ever since I could form cognititve speech i’ve complained about my back hurting me, well over thirty doctors, countless appointments, thousands of x-rays, and so many needles I feel like a pin cushion later I was told I have Spina Bifida. Its stage one and not bad, I narrowley escaped the window of time that lands kids born with SB with similar disabilities that my brother has. ie, walk with crutches use wheel chairs and feeding tubes et cetera.

Though six months into dating ryan suddenly my disks (the spoingey things in your spine between each vertabrae) began to break down and herniate which means the vertabrae sorta squish them like when you step on a bar of soap and the soap shoots out from under your foot. The pressure forces the disk out, but being the lucky person I am the disks in my back were degenerative. They are turning into icky things that wont do there job >_>

As the years wore on my condition got worse and the term ‘doctor’ became over used. I was dropped by so many doctors unwilling to touch my spine, especially when the core of the problem was discovered. I am missing one and a half vertebrae. My spine is literally still in tact thanks to a very disgusting mish mosh of muscle and tendon holding me in place. So I have a literal hole in my spine and was put on physical activity hold for over two years.

No matter how little i moved which if any of you have followed or watched me this long you know its impossible for me to have a actual ‘lazy’ day. Unable to do much in the way of helping myself I got worse with each passing day.. After i graduated high school in 2011 I finally landed my first legitimate job as a cashier at a grocery store. Where I found the harsh reality where the customer is not always right. I encountered multiple people a day who would order me to lift a bag of rock salt, or kitty litter which to some is trivial but for someone like me its enough to cause damage.

My pain levels sky rocketed i was coming home every day from eight hour shifts in complete agony, once I could sit down i’d suddenly find myself in so many spasms I couldnt move. My parents at a total loss tried everything to help me, we went to doctors, pain management, I under went multiple injection styled surgeries and nothing made working at this store easier on me.

I cried alot, alot more then I like to admit because it was so much pain and I was losing faith. Ryan was supportive through all of this. Fast forward to 2013 as far as pain management and my back, i was off work for a year having to quit then finding it hard to get hired elsewhere. My depression was getting worse and worse then finally we found a miracle in the form of a doctor named Debra.

Together Debra and I figured out a good medicine and my mental health though very hard to balance is slowly better then ever, I went into school fall of 2013 happy, confident, proud, I was heavier then before but I was happy! a weird as fuck term for me because literally dont stay happy for long.

Life was good, great actually. 2013-2014 fall and spring semesters had there low points but i muscled through. Still no luck on finding doctors, yes I feel like hell all the time but I’m alive and it felt great! Two weeks ago my primary care doctor, Dr. Vaz and I made a daring plan. We decided to say fuck it! to the physical activity hold and he said to me that my happiness will help me stay healthy and my back will still feel like hell but if i can muscle through it, then I can do it.

Together in that session with my physician we wrote up my work out plan to work my way up to a actual regime where I do more then work out at once and how to ease into dieting life. So yeah on the way there I cheated on the food but I worked religiously on my body, pain, period cramps, rain or snow. Though I chose to tell no one because I didn’t want to talk about it, i didn’t want to jinx it.

So the day he broke up with me, I had signed up for the Atkins Diet finally finding a diet I liked and even have my Aunt as living proof it works. I have a list of work outs I can now do one after the other and still function through my horrible pain normally and to top it off i got a job and interviewed for a second one.

When he came over I was so happy I was going to tell him everything. Then well then he left me.

With the loving support of my friends and especially Jon Heather and Big bro Mike, i’ve slowly been finding some sort of control over these emotions. I mean its only been a few days and I want to murder anyone who says his name. But I’m sticking to my diet, working out. I even started running, i haven’t run as excersise in years and I found i could do it again because like Dr. Vaz said i took the baby steps to slowly get there.

I wonder if he left me because I got to be to weird? to comfortable? Because he thought I was a lazy piece of shit who is good for nothing? I honestly can’t say.

What I can say is i am hollow. I miss him. So much that i feel broken inside like something is rotting, I call that rotting thing my hopes and dreams. I de-activated my facebook page so I wouldn’t have to see his face, I refuse to answer the phone if someone to close to him messages me. I avoided his friends at the fourth of july celebrations like the plague. Every gift he ever gave me is in boxes, all his pictures in drawers, every mix CD I made to listen to has been tossed in a box because it has our song on it.

I’ve barely slept lately, mostly getting up to work out from depression and to stop crying. Every place I go his memory is there. I can’t even watch my favorite movies because I saw them all with him. We got through so much together in the past near five years and I wonder why he decided I was no longer worth his time, worth fighting for. Even through all this pain and all the tears and nightmare and mental break downs, i can’t hate him. He’s my soul mate I still believe in that even though now I question if his love was real, and to be very honest. He made my believe in happily ever afters, now I don’t believe in them anymore.

Some moments I say i never want to see him again others I want to be able to pretend this never happened, no one can make him see how broken I am. Whats worse is we go to the same college, so In a few months I’ll probably get to watch him parade his new girlfriend around campus.

I’m trying to push myself harder to look skinnier so maybe he’ll idk see that I do change and dramatically if he needs dramatics. Then maybe he’ll come back to me. I know I sound so stupid but he’s all I ever wanted.

So many people have said to me that pretty soon I’ll see someone else who is better for me, but i-my heart want no one else. Really the only bright future for me is the single life, adopting some dogs and maybe a child eventually but maybe thats the pain talking. I just know before him, my dream was mainly of being a single mom because I’ve never in my life believed it was possible for me to be loved.

I’m not very pretty, at this moment I am covered in poison ivy, i have pale skin and i cut two feet of my hair off so its short now, i’m over weight but trying to lose it and dieting religiously now. I’m happy one second depressed the next, i’m very weird and I make weird noises at times like nervous ticks or something I can’t explain. I talk backwards by accident and really I am not special I am just…just Nicole…just a girl…stuck taking care of her family that everyone hates…and for a short time…I was loved…

He said down the line he cant imagine getting his kids ready to spend the day with crazy grandma…i know my mother is bad…but its not fair for me…this why I feel like I’ll always be alone. I must have been a horrible person once before to have lived the life I have. Alot of times I’ve thought of just giving up on life but I’m still going-maybe its because I’m too stubborn and I want to prove him wrong.

He killed me, part of me is dead and I may never get that part back. As I write this tears are streaming down my face because of how much I miss him. This feels so final and hopeless, I never believed in hope till I had him. He was my better half…my best friend…my lover…I hope one day…I can call him my soulmate again..and know its not in vain. He can be mean and rude and weird and dumb but he’s mine. He’s perfectly imperfect and I miss him so goddamned much theres an ache where he lived and it wont be filled till I die.

Oh well..i’ve rambled enough. If you made it this far…thanks for reading…