Its been awhile

Its been a long time, since i’ve written on this blog. Life, school, work, adventure, swallowed me whole and I gave in to the temptation that is laziness. But since I last wrote on this blog, this sort of strange journal of mine…so much has happened. The biggest thing being, I lost my mom. Saying ‘lost’ sounds sort of silly, she passed away, she’s gone and I wont find her again. I know in the grand scheme of things i’ll find her in the rays of sunlight in spring but right now it doesn’t feel all that auspicious.

I’m going to try to start writing again, about anything and everything like i did before. There is something strangely soothing about putting my words out there, no matter how empty or meaningless they  may be.

Advertisements

You Can’t Catch Me Now

I figured out that joy isn’t in your arms. And though you left me with an empty heart and a bloody hole where it used to be. I took the time i had to get to know me. And you stayed still frozen in time you haven’t changed a bit since i saw you last and you look at me and you see a woman on the move, i’ve grown since you left and the gods honest truth baby the biggest act of love you ever did for me was breaking my heart that summer day.

You bashed my heart upon the rocks and I bled like a murder victim, if you never said anything I doubt i’d have come this far. I’ve lost some weight but gained some confidence, learned to see i’m better then you in every way. And whats hysterical is you can’t seem to take your eyes off me.

You’ll be trapped here in our small home town behind that deli counter for god knows how long and I’ll keep moving on and go places you never dreamt of going. Your occupied by day dreams and i’m off living each dream we spoke of, and you think a sip of alcohol is all there is too living well I have news for you sweet love of mine. You haven’t even scratched the surface you haven’t even began to see the world out there.

So tell your friends i’m crazy you only feel like saying that now because you can’t have me. My girlfriend’s better then yours, she’s loyal and true, atleast she grew up giving a damn about life, about love about me. I’ll watch you fade to black and white and you can watch me living in technicolor, next time you’ll reach for me baby you wont be able to reach because I’ll be on the next plane outta town. Destination everywhere.

My Best Friend’s Acceptance

When its four in the morning and your spastically crawling around your bedroom the overhead light blaring into your eyes as you clean your room as if cleaning could erase your anxieties. You have a huge trashbag in your hand and your hands are shaking your fighting exhaustion but the voice in your head tells you that you think you wont be okay if you dont finish cleaning no- you know you wont be okay and suddenly everything that isn’t done yet is a tragedy. So like a crazy person you pace the floor sorting laundry and picking up trash that accumulated from late work nights of not caring and collapsing into bed and the simplest of triggers remind you of someone. You pick up a ticket stub from when you saw the Hobbit last weekend with Karolina and your thrown back into a series of memories during your whirlwind trip in new york city. Suddenly you remember how you woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought in your mind was when you left the apartment to come back to jersey you’d forget something important so you start to pack and clean and your pacing in the dark. She woke up slowly and looked at you instantly your mind explodes with fears this is a side of you she hasn’t truly seen before and your worried your best friend will call you a freak. Instead she yawns and smiles a bit “Come back to bed honey” and its in her gentle normal words, no confrontation no accusation no search for explanation that suddenly calms the raging storm. Your shoulders sag with exhaustion and you climb back into bed. It was the way she treated you how she always did that made you relax, because at home if your caught obsessively cleaning or sorting things your looked at as a freak your told off usually there is raised voices. And if you try to talk to someone about it they just tell you to let it go but no you yearn for acceptance when it comes to your compulsions. She fell back to sleep next to you and something inside felt good, in that simple show of acceptance you realized maybe you weren’t so freaky after all.

Things I Won’t Say To My Ex

I wish i could send you words of forgiveness and hopes for joy but there are just some things I cannot do. I hope she makes you happy, makes you smile and laugh and fills you with memories and dreams that will console you on your lonely nights. I hope she makes you light as air and like your ontop of the world, secure in your love and happiness. I hope she gives you all these things…then I hope she breaks your heart.

I hope she leaves you stranded like she did all the others,  with broken dreams and a heart so shattered you feel your chest is full of glass. I hope she makes it so each thing that reminds you of her causes you pain and you cant breath because your scared of how much it will hurt.  I hope your left with nightmares that could drown the world in terror and your broken to the point that your friends no longer know how to act around you, and your family is lost because in shame you don’t have the will to tell them the cold hard truth.

I hope every dream you had with her turns to dust and slips through your fingers and her every word echoes through your head like a church bell at mass for the funeral sending your heart into the ground. I hope the pain turns you cold and rancid so you shield yourself from the iron grasp of love and that the betrayal she renders you is as strong as gale force winds leaving you sobbing on the floor a  miserable ugly mess. I hope she breaks you to the point that every time you try to go places you used to go with her it will hurt worse then any physical pain and you drown yourself at the bottom of a bottle trying to chase it away.

I hope it hurts so badly that after months of recovering when you see her with her new man and you see how happy she is without you, as if you never mattered and looks at you like you are the shit she accidentally stepped in, that it haunts you for days because you keep remembering every little word, every little lie and last I love you that fell short and disappeared into the blackness of the night because something about you, made you not worth hanging onto. I hope you suffer this fate because its worse then death, I hope she destroys you, the exact same way

You,

Destroyed

Me.

I Am Okay

So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog, school swiftly took over my life and my shifts at work have been getting longer with each passing day. For a time Ryan and I danced around the idea of getting back together, he kept me dangling rather cruelly till the very last second. When he admitted to loving her my friend, it was the final straw. He had told me he loved only me and wanted me back, when he said not more then a day later he loved her and told me her fiance and her had broken up. (It was a open relationship.) I saw red, and for the first time since this all began i lost my temper. I Threw his ring at him and yelled rather loudly at him “Go fuck himself”, before i left to go cool down. While any outburst of any kind is considered ill advised I still do not regret my actions. He deserved some level of humiliation that I have been suffering. Though since that moment, where I felt myself let go it was as if the moment i threw the ring at him i was throwing my attachment to him away as well. I feel…better. Better then I have in months.

I love him that much is still true but I’m looking towards the future with a positive attitude. It will be four months october since the breakup and in time i think i’ll be ready to date. The only tricky part is the people I want to date…well they are girls haha!. To anyone who knows me It’s no secret that I am bisexual but when I attempted to come out to my mother this past weekend it didn’t go well. I managed to cover things up for the sake of sanity so we can move on and I can feel safe in my home.

That being said, school is going alright. Its stressful and painful and depressing and my anxiety attacks are up. I’ve been put on heart medication to help sooth my speeding heart when it threatens to run off the rails since the increased speed is causing damage. Work is alright and I am applying for different jobs, while making plans for a weekend in the city for my 22nd birthday.

The best news is in ten days I will be attending the New York Comic Con with the most beautiful and lovely girl on my arm. We are attending as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, naturally I am portraying Harley.

Weight loss is honestly the most frustrating thing, I continue to lose inches while pounds stubbornly stay on. I’m working hard though so we shall see. I look good, i actually need to buy an outfit or two that can show off my figure-i actually have a figure now XP. This week I am seeing a new doctor to look at my spine and see what can be done to fix or alleviate some of the pain.

Its been a crazy couple of weeks, it really has been. I’ve felt like I am losing my mind but when I woke up this morning despite all the heartbreak depression and pain, I knew one thing;

I’m Okay.

Mental Illness And Me

Growing up I have never felt normal, i was always nervously scratching at my skin tearing patches of it off  and getting rid of imperfections, i was always anxious and scared with my thoughts racing leaving paranoia in it’s wake. I was always going from super happy to dead inside within seconds and doing things I could not control. My body is very broken, but its my body as is my mind. Society as a whole forget that mental illnesses are no different then heart disease or asthma, you take medication to manage them and make the body function normal and that is the same with treating mental illness. I have five professionally diagnosed problems with this old brain of mine and I am going to explain them as best I can.

Clinical Depression: True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Some days I am on top of the world, some days I am so happy i feel like flying, and its like theres a click in my mind and with no warning i feel like I am falling and while the ground is rushing towards me i’m trying to pull up and keep flying but it just does not work. I feel the sadness down into my soul, it aches in my bones and I end up losing the love of things I normally love all the time. I began treatment for my depression when I was seventeen years old and finally at age twenty one we have found a medication that is seeming to make a difference and help my brain level out. I’ve had countless amounts of people tell me to ‘get over it’ to pretend i have no problems or to just smile anyway. Depression is a disorder that lives in your soul and destroys who you truly are and without proper treatment can lead to death. Its not something to tease about or misunderstand its serious and truly painful to live with.

Anxiety Disorder: An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been the brave coward, always so wound up tight with fear and tension but always too reckless for there own good. Though the cocktail of mental illnesses I have tend to make me a little zany it would appear, it took me a decade and a half to first feel what it is like to be calm. I started treatment when i was seventeen and the first day on the medicine I was so mellow I went to my counselor and asked her if I was dying haha! She told me I was like a spring, I was so used to being wound tight that when the medicine loosened me up I didn’t recognize the feeling. When my anxiety acts up i scratch or peal at my skin i move my leg alot. I get out of my seat, i pace i walk in circles I sit back down. Anxiety is a huge part of my life and my personality it would seem, having this issue has made it so I literally run from the classroom at the mention of public speaking.

 

Impulse Control Disorder: is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or others.

 

We all have impulses, or cravings to do things. Someone living with ICD does not have the ability to resist those cravings. One of the most prominent things my ICD does is the need to hit people, I hit people all the time. Well i did, hit people. Sometimes something goes wonky in my head and I see what i’m doing-i’m asking myself why I am doing it and then bam its done. Or it happens without me noticing and someone is saying to me “hey! why did you slap me!?” and honestly? I had no answer. It escalated for years growing into greater acts of violence that left me guilt ridden and believing I was truly a monster-a beast who needed to be put down. At long last I took part in therapy with the right doctor who helped me find the root source and to understand myself and my problem so I can be treated. I’ve gone two months without hitting anyone, I don’t want to-i do not need too nor will I do it. The guilt eats me alive but now i can start healing myself and the ones I hurt. Living with this issue is like being possessed I don’t have much control over what I do and its maddening, but with the past few months I have become stronger then I have ever been and have finally gotten control over my impulses-though I will have slip ups I know I will get even better then before.

Dermatillomania:The primary characteristic of Skin Picking Disorder (also known as Dermatillomania or Excoriation) is the repetitive picking at one’s own skin to the extent of causing damage. Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking. However, Skin Picking Disorder may involve any part of the body

Well what can I say? it falls under the impulse control issues. I pick my skin, I do it all the time i tear flesh that looks bad I really can’t help it. It goes beyond biting your nails though it goes as far as pure panic and picking at dry skin, it goes as far as waking up in the morning your nails covered in dried blood your fingers raw and still bleeding. It goes as far as having scars on your face, scars you cannot hide even though your ashamed.

Eating Disorder Otherwise Not Specified: (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS

Anyone who knows me wouldn’t realize I have a eating disorder when the look at me. Normally i love food, i enjoy eating. But that monster in your head that doesn’t really ever die is still there, my freshman year in high school i was 5’4 and weighed under  eighty-five pounds. I became a pro at never eating and felt ill when I did, I started the road to recovery by sophomore year and by Junior year its like my body turned against me. I started all my medications along with worsening issues in my spine and the weight flied onto my body leaving me depressed and disgusted with myself. Lately I am dieting and Ednos has reared its ugly head again and I am doing my best to be stronger then that issue even though its hard. I’ve lost so much weight (the healthy way) it really is addicting to see it keep going. Though I do know I can be stronger then my disorder.

With the stigma surrounding mental illness in today’s society its become scary to even talk about one’s problems. I hope that this post will help others understand me more and will help remove some of the stigma to those who suffer like me.

His Choices

I put five years into loving him, of helping him putting up with ever fault and issue, of working through my own to be a better person. I put five years into loving his flaws and his perfections being his only cheer leader, i put five years into it all. He left me without much explanation July 2nd, 2014 and since then he just confessed he’s been sleeping with one of the very few people i trust in this goddamned town. True we werent together when he started sleeping with her but it still feels like cheating especially since he says he wants me back. 

After i yelled at him a lot i gave him a ultimatum, her or me. If he doesn’t choose me I am gone from his life forever, he’ll get every gift he ever gave me back and i’ll burn the pictures of us. I’ll shatter every memory like he did my heart. 

I doubt she even cares the girl i mean, her name is Sam. I doubt she gives a damn that what she did was wrong. 

I hurt so much I could just scream for ages, i did say i may forgive her and i may forgive him one day but this…this is so much i feel like i am caving in from all the pain. 

But i love him. I must be the stupidest girl in the world. 

Maybe he will choose me, maybe he wont, i just know i wouldn’t choose me either.