Its been a long time, since i’ve written on this blog. Life, school, work, adventure, swallowed me whole and I gave in to the temptation that is laziness. But since I last wrote on this blog, this sort of strange journal of mine…so much has happened. The biggest thing being, I lost my mom. Saying ‘lost’ sounds sort of silly, she passed away, she’s gone and I wont find her again. I know in the grand scheme of things i’ll find her in the rays of sunlight in spring but right now it doesn’t feel all that auspicious.
I’m going to try to start writing again, about anything and everything like i did before. There is something strangely soothing about putting my words out there, no matter how empty or meaningless they may be.
“You messaged me out of the blue.
I wasn’t looking for anyone,
In fact I was too busy running from someone else,
But I slowed down enough to reply
You slowly became my good morning text,
My drunken phone call,
My tearful FaceTime when work had wrung me out like a dirty tea towel,
And you were there,
I figured out that joy isn’t in your arms. And though you left me with an empty heart and a bloody hole where it used to be. I took the time i had to get to know me. And you stayed still frozen in time you haven’t changed a bit since i saw you last and you look at me and you see a woman on the move, i’ve grown since you left and the gods honest truth baby the biggest act of love you ever did for me was breaking my heart that summer day.
You bashed my heart upon the rocks and I bled like a murder victim, if you never said anything I doubt i’d have come this far. I’ve lost some weight but gained some confidence, learned to see i’m better then you in every way. And whats hysterical is you can’t seem to take your eyes off me.
You’ll be trapped here in our small home town behind that deli counter for god knows how long and I’ll keep moving on and go places you never dreamt of going. Your occupied by day dreams and i’m off living each dream we spoke of, and you think a sip of alcohol is all there is too living well I have news for you sweet love of mine. You haven’t even scratched the surface you haven’t even began to see the world out there.
So tell your friends i’m crazy you only feel like saying that now because you can’t have me. My girlfriend’s better then yours, she’s loyal and true, atleast she grew up giving a damn about life, about love about me. I’ll watch you fade to black and white and you can watch me living in technicolor, next time you’ll reach for me baby you wont be able to reach because I’ll be on the next plane outta town. Destination everywhere.
I miss you
The same way
The sun misses the earth
When the moon comes out to play
I long for you
The same way the wolf
Longs for the moon
When the sun rises
Perhaps the wolf
Loves the moon
Because its a lover
She can’t reach,
But despite the pain
I long to bathe
In your radiance
And dance to the music
Of your voice
Time and distance
Can’t heal everything
My ebony goddess
In my eyes your like the stars
So beautiful but much to far
For me to reach
And though the wolf howls
In the black of night
Though the wolf cries for the moon
The moon refuses to shine
Only deaf ears hear the howls
Of the lone wolf’s song
Until the day comes
When the moon shines bright
The wolf shall run in the darkness
Of the night
And if the light should ever return
To my eyes
I’ll wait for you my lady
beneath the starry skies.
I wish i could send you words of forgiveness and hopes for joy but there are just some things I cannot do. I hope she makes you happy, makes you smile and laugh and fills you with memories and dreams that will console you on your lonely nights. I hope she makes you light as air and like your ontop of the world, secure in your love and happiness. I hope she gives you all these things…then I hope she breaks your heart.
I hope she leaves you stranded like she did all the others, with broken dreams and a heart so shattered you feel your chest is full of glass. I hope she makes it so each thing that reminds you of her causes you pain and you cant breath because your scared of how much it will hurt. I hope your left with nightmares that could drown the world in terror and your broken to the point that your friends no longer know how to act around you, and your family is lost because in shame you don’t have the will to tell them the cold hard truth.
I hope every dream you had with her turns to dust and slips through your fingers and her every word echoes through your head like a church bell at mass for the funeral sending your heart into the ground. I hope the pain turns you cold and rancid so you shield yourself from the iron grasp of love and that the betrayal she renders you is as strong as gale force winds leaving you sobbing on the floor a miserable ugly mess. I hope she breaks you to the point that every time you try to go places you used to go with her it will hurt worse then any physical pain and you drown yourself at the bottom of a bottle trying to chase it away.
I hope it hurts so badly that after months of recovering when you see her with her new man and you see how happy she is without you, as if you never mattered and looks at you like you are the shit she accidentally stepped in, that it haunts you for days because you keep remembering every little word, every little lie and last I love you that fell short and disappeared into the blackness of the night because something about you, made you not worth hanging onto. I hope you suffer this fate because its worse then death, I hope she destroys you, the exact same way
So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog, school swiftly took over my life and my shifts at work have been getting longer with each passing day. For a time Ryan and I danced around the idea of getting back together, he kept me dangling rather cruelly till the very last second. When he admitted to loving her my friend, it was the final straw. He had told me he loved only me and wanted me back, when he said not more then a day later he loved her and told me her fiance and her had broken up. (It was a open relationship.) I saw red, and for the first time since this all began i lost my temper. I Threw his ring at him and yelled rather loudly at him “Go fuck himself”, before i left to go cool down. While any outburst of any kind is considered ill advised I still do not regret my actions. He deserved some level of humiliation that I have been suffering. Though since that moment, where I felt myself let go it was as if the moment i threw the ring at him i was throwing my attachment to him away as well. I feel…better. Better then I have in months.
I love him that much is still true but I’m looking towards the future with a positive attitude. It will be four months october since the breakup and in time i think i’ll be ready to date. The only tricky part is the people I want to date…well they are girls haha!. To anyone who knows me It’s no secret that I am bisexual but when I attempted to come out to my mother this past weekend it didn’t go well. I managed to cover things up for the sake of sanity so we can move on and I can feel safe in my home.
That being said, school is going alright. Its stressful and painful and depressing and my anxiety attacks are up. I’ve been put on heart medication to help sooth my speeding heart when it threatens to run off the rails since the increased speed is causing damage. Work is alright and I am applying for different jobs, while making plans for a weekend in the city for my 22nd birthday.
The best news is in ten days I will be attending the New York Comic Con with the most beautiful and lovely girl on my arm. We are attending as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, naturally I am portraying Harley.
Weight loss is honestly the most frustrating thing, I continue to lose inches while pounds stubbornly stay on. I’m working hard though so we shall see. I look good, i actually need to buy an outfit or two that can show off my figure-i actually have a figure now XP. This week I am seeing a new doctor to look at my spine and see what can be done to fix or alleviate some of the pain.
Its been a crazy couple of weeks, it really has been. I’ve felt like I am losing my mind but when I woke up this morning despite all the heartbreak depression and pain, I knew one thing;
Nothing like good old fashion betrayal to make a girl’s blood boil. This week has been awful, he’s terrified of me because well i am a awful human being-one who is trying to be a pretty good human being. Today was a good day other then my anxiety that is, until the very last second, I was checking my instagram and i saw a picture that I RATHER NOT HAVE BURNED INTO MY MEMORY BUT FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.
It was a obvious ‘after sex selfie’ of ryan and that fucking whorebag sam. I hate this, i hate her, i hate him i hate both of them. I hate what they have done to me, to my heart, my mind, my ability to trust, but most of all i fucking love that stupid cunt bastard son of a fucking bitch.
Why the flying fuck am I still caring about this mother fucker!? I feel so fucking betrayed. I love him, i hate him. I want to fucking stab the shit out of her though I hate her, with every definition of the goddamned word.