Big Brother <3

I wish i could paint pictures with the words you speak to me and show you the beautiful mural that lives on my memories, a soft glow of positivity given life by your voice and burns like the sun. When my mind fades to black you turn the light on and i know this life isn’t always fun for you either and you wish you could hug me all through the night but the thing about battles is that they are easier to fight when you have someone. I’ll be your sidekick the red to your green the robin to your bats, and we’ll make it out sometime. Some people aren’t born related by blood they happen to find each other when god hurts them enough and he tosses them together and leaves it up to them to make a connection. You mean more to me then a few strands of DNA and blood could say your the family I choose and trust to stay, your the one that if you need me well i’ll come running. So when the night threatens those eyes that shine when you smile look back on the days that made you laugh look at these words that will live forever in the future and the past give or take a few years i’ll be a room down the hall or the house down the block. Till then take pleasure in what few older brother’s have and thats called privacy because once i’m there with you, there wont be any way to get rid of me. ❤

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You Can’t Catch Me Now

I figured out that joy isn’t in your arms. And though you left me with an empty heart and a bloody hole where it used to be. I took the time i had to get to know me. And you stayed still frozen in time you haven’t changed a bit since i saw you last and you look at me and you see a woman on the move, i’ve grown since you left and the gods honest truth baby the biggest act of love you ever did for me was breaking my heart that summer day.

You bashed my heart upon the rocks and I bled like a murder victim, if you never said anything I doubt i’d have come this far. I’ve lost some weight but gained some confidence, learned to see i’m better then you in every way. And whats hysterical is you can’t seem to take your eyes off me.

You’ll be trapped here in our small home town behind that deli counter for god knows how long and I’ll keep moving on and go places you never dreamt of going. Your occupied by day dreams and i’m off living each dream we spoke of, and you think a sip of alcohol is all there is too living well I have news for you sweet love of mine. You haven’t even scratched the surface you haven’t even began to see the world out there.

So tell your friends i’m crazy you only feel like saying that now because you can’t have me. My girlfriend’s better then yours, she’s loyal and true, atleast she grew up giving a damn about life, about love about me. I’ll watch you fade to black and white and you can watch me living in technicolor, next time you’ll reach for me baby you wont be able to reach because I’ll be on the next plane outta town. Destination everywhere.

I Long For You

I miss you
The same way
The sun misses the earth
When the moon comes out to play
I long for you
The same way the wolf
Longs for the moon
When the sun rises
Perhaps the wolf
Loves the moon
Because its a lover
She can’t reach,

But despite the pain
I long to bathe
In your radiance
And dance to the music
Of your voice

Time and distance
Can’t heal everything
My ebony goddess
In my eyes your like the stars
So beautiful but much to far
For me to reach

And though the wolf howls
In the black of night
Though the wolf cries for the moon
The moon refuses to shine
Only deaf ears hear the howls
Of the lone wolf’s song

Until the day comes
When the moon shines bright
The wolf shall run in the darkness
Of the night

And if the light should ever return
To my eyes
I’ll wait for you my lady
beneath the starry skies.

~Music~

Oh when the music fades to static, does your heart ever feel like a empty speaker, waiting to bring out the beats of the next song on your play list.  Tell me what comes next. When the sad songs fade to love songs and the tragedies turn to ballads, well i’m just convinced misery loves me. Build up the tempo feel the beat in your soul, let the sound vibrate through your lungs, then its when the crescendo hits, the highest note breaks your mind and ruins all those bad thoughts you were having about him. Its just you and the music for one moment, the CD skips, that one bad song plays, the commercial comes on the radio, but you feel the tingle in your chest. All because you let the music in. So if we don’t wake up tomorrow, lets dance tonight, close your eyes and listen to the sound of that mic as it cracks, to the beat of the drum, when the sun rises we’ll always have the music. 

Waiting For Superman

Dedicated to Michael. My Wonderful, Beautiful, Handsome older Brother.

I’ve been waiting for Superman on the corner of lost hope and broken dreams, in the rain that falls on Utopia. Everyone said he’d never come, kind passers by said not to wait, that other’s would provide for me the thing I so desperately craved. And i didn’t know I needed him till I saw him shoot across the sky, a miracle in red and blue-so startling to my eye. 

Walking down the narrow path between victory and defeat he found me cart wheeling over broken glass and memories and stories best left unspoken. So soft and kind in his approach gentle and genuine, in time I learned the man of steel was lonely too, he was just looking for a friend. 

And it must have been lonely growing up as the last son of krypton, loving stories that made no logical sense. Foolish is what they called him but I told him that he’s brilliant. Sometimes the brightest star is just misunderstood, he built a strong man around a scholar, with beauty only gift to few. 

They told me not to believe in Superman, that he would never notice me, a simple girl lost and broken looking for sanctuary. But no one knew what I could see that Superman needed someone just like me, I pulled the pieces of pain from his strong arms and bandaged up the wounds. Told him about the things I knew however little they were, and in my words he saw that though he came from far away we were very much the same. 

I no longer wait for Superman, he actually waits for me, and together we look at life through each other’s eyes and I save him while he saves me. Together no matter how small we make a family, He’s someone I love more then the stars can see and as the sun sets and to the murmur of the radio I fall asleep, its the strong arms of my Big Brother Superman. Who i know is protecting me. 

My Best Friend’s Acceptance

When its four in the morning and your spastically crawling around your bedroom the overhead light blaring into your eyes as you clean your room as if cleaning could erase your anxieties. You have a huge trashbag in your hand and your hands are shaking your fighting exhaustion but the voice in your head tells you that you think you wont be okay if you dont finish cleaning no- you know you wont be okay and suddenly everything that isn’t done yet is a tragedy. So like a crazy person you pace the floor sorting laundry and picking up trash that accumulated from late work nights of not caring and collapsing into bed and the simplest of triggers remind you of someone. You pick up a ticket stub from when you saw the Hobbit last weekend with Karolina and your thrown back into a series of memories during your whirlwind trip in new york city. Suddenly you remember how you woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought in your mind was when you left the apartment to come back to jersey you’d forget something important so you start to pack and clean and your pacing in the dark. She woke up slowly and looked at you instantly your mind explodes with fears this is a side of you she hasn’t truly seen before and your worried your best friend will call you a freak. Instead she yawns and smiles a bit “Come back to bed honey” and its in her gentle normal words, no confrontation no accusation no search for explanation that suddenly calms the raging storm. Your shoulders sag with exhaustion and you climb back into bed. It was the way she treated you how she always did that made you relax, because at home if your caught obsessively cleaning or sorting things your looked at as a freak your told off usually there is raised voices. And if you try to talk to someone about it they just tell you to let it go but no you yearn for acceptance when it comes to your compulsions. She fell back to sleep next to you and something inside felt good, in that simple show of acceptance you realized maybe you weren’t so freaky after all.