My Best Friend’s Acceptance

When its four in the morning and your spastically crawling around your bedroom the overhead light blaring into your eyes as you clean your room as if cleaning could erase your anxieties. You have a huge trashbag in your hand and your hands are shaking your fighting exhaustion but the voice in your head tells you that you think you wont be okay if you dont finish cleaning no- you know you wont be okay and suddenly everything that isn’t done yet is a tragedy. So like a crazy person you pace the floor sorting laundry and picking up trash that accumulated from late work nights of not caring and collapsing into bed and the simplest of triggers remind you of someone. You pick up a ticket stub from when you saw the Hobbit last weekend with Karolina and your thrown back into a series of memories during your whirlwind trip in new york city. Suddenly you remember how you woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought in your mind was when you left the apartment to come back to jersey you’d forget something important so you start to pack and clean and your pacing in the dark. She woke up slowly and looked at you instantly your mind explodes with fears this is a side of you she hasn’t truly seen before and your worried your best friend will call you a freak. Instead she yawns and smiles a bit “Come back to bed honey” and its in her gentle normal words, no confrontation no accusation no search for explanation that suddenly calms the raging storm. Your shoulders sag with exhaustion and you climb back into bed. It was the way she treated you how she always did that made you relax, because at home if your caught obsessively cleaning or sorting things your looked at as a freak your told off usually there is raised voices. And if you try to talk to someone about it they just tell you to let it go but no you yearn for acceptance when it comes to your compulsions. She fell back to sleep next to you and something inside felt good, in that simple show of acceptance you realized maybe you weren’t so freaky after all.

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