When its four in the morning and your spastically crawling around your bedroom the overhead light blaring into your eyes as you clean your room as if cleaning could erase your anxieties. You have a huge trashbag in your hand and your hands are shaking your fighting exhaustion but the voice in your head tells you that you think you wont be okay if you dont finish cleaning no- you know you wont be okay and suddenly everything that isn’t done yet is a tragedy. So like a crazy person you pace the floor sorting laundry and picking up trash that accumulated from late work nights of not caring and collapsing into bed and the simplest of triggers remind you of someone. You pick up a ticket stub from when you saw the Hobbit last weekend with Karolina and your thrown back into a series of memories during your whirlwind trip in new york city. Suddenly you remember how you woke up in the middle of the night and the first thought in your mind was when you left the apartment to come back to jersey you’d forget something important so you start to pack and clean and your pacing in the dark. She woke up slowly and looked at you instantly your mind explodes with fears this is a side of you she hasn’t truly seen before and your worried your best friend will call you a freak. Instead she yawns and smiles a bit “Come back to bed honey” and its in her gentle normal words, no confrontation no accusation no search for explanation that suddenly calms the raging storm. Your shoulders sag with exhaustion and you climb back into bed. It was the way she treated you how she always did that made you relax, because at home if your caught obsessively cleaning or sorting things your looked at as a freak your told off usually there is raised voices. And if you try to talk to someone about it they just tell you to let it go but no you yearn for acceptance when it comes to your compulsions. She fell back to sleep next to you and something inside felt good, in that simple show of acceptance you realized maybe you weren’t so freaky after all.
If we closed the distance and we spoke the words we felt, lay in the dark together talking about heaven and hell. After one too many glasses of wine i’d find your lips you’d find mine. Lets fall into the darkness baby together we can escape. Ragged breaths and clothes falling to the floor, i’m biting your lips and you say you want more. We are young and we are reckless for a change we’ll play the game. And as the new sun rises we’ll drink coffee and talk about dreams, go for walks on freshly fallen snow, such simple things I know.
Cold nights follow sun soaked days, we’ll lie by the fire doing our own things, and then you’ll catch my eyes on you, the look you realize like a predator to pray and we wont care whats wrong or right we’ll keep playing the same old game.
But fear is power above all, i’ve known you for so long, we’ve seen each other at our worst we could work this could be perfect. Theres blank spaces between my fingers where yours should be, theres a place in my bed where I imagine you lying next to me. I don’t know what were doing but if we closed the distance, we could do impossible things.
I’ve got a Blank Space baby, and i hope i’ll write your name.
Growing up i never saw myself as the kind of twenty something year old, who would speed down country highways close to midnight the moon reflecting in my rear view with music blaring loud enough to wake the dead. Never saw myself as the leather jacket, cigarette smoking code, inhaling the acrid taste as it filters through my lungs and nicotine seems to burn my stress away. I never saw myself as happy to be this way.
Happy to be different then the picture painted for me the day i was conceived, the perfect future imagined for me. So far nothing mummy and daddy has planned hasn’t worked out so as the meter hits 95 and wind rushes past my cracked windows dragged the smoke from my third cigarette of the drive out the crack i realize.
I’m okay with knowing i’m not the daughter they dreamt of.
I challenge them, disappoint them, i make them think while at the same time making them proud.
They didn’t get the dream.
Instead they got me.