Since the summer ended its been a roller coaster ride of emotions, school stress and work not to mention family life and drama with friends have turned everything upside down over and over. One thing cannot be denied though, I am not the same person I was last November. Whether I’ve changed for better or for worse well the jury is still out about that but I’m trying every day to be truer to who I am. I’m not as happy this semester which I know is a problem, depression is a molten pile of nope that I can’t seem to get off of. I’m failing my classes again, I study constantly i do mountains of homework and spend hours getting tutored and there seems to be no saving my grades. I know school isn’t for everyone but according to society I need a degree in order to have a life apparently. My parents and I sat down to talk about the certificates of achievement my school offers, you know better to have something then nothing at all i suppose. I wish i could do journalism, writing has been my life since I was a little kid but its not like i’m going to magically fix all my problems with math classes. If only there was a way to be exempt from those remedial courses.
I’ve lost a large sum of weight since i started my diet back in July. My clothing is starting to hang off me awkwardly and mum is about ready to send me to the mall for a outfit or two that fits. Everyone keeps telling me how good I look and I just don’t see it myself. In the mirror I see a girl who is still vastly over weight who is covered in scars and disgusting skin with hair that is too short and eyes that look like they are sunk into her head. I don’t see this pretty “little” girl everyone is talking about.
I’m looking for a friend to go to yoga with me while I wait for results back on the spinal tests the doctors are running, i’m not allowed to do any intense work outs for a long time and frankly I don’t think my pain level could take it. If i can find someone willing to get out into the big scary world with me maybe i’ll do yoga. Or maybe i’ll go out there alone, I hate going to things like that alone but maybe I’ll just break down and do it alone so i stop feeling like everyone is letting me down.
I’m trying to handle the depression and the bad self image, something my ex kept saying near the end of our relationship was that a tiger never changes it stripes. Well as far as that goes he’s wrong well when it comes to me that is, I’ve gotten alot of my impulse control issues under wraps and I’m working on everything else. Sometimes you need to look closer and see that someone is more then just the flaws on the surface, and everyone is capable of changing there stripes.