I Am Okay

So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog, school swiftly took over my life and my shifts at work have been getting longer with each passing day. For a time Ryan and I danced around the idea of getting back together, he kept me dangling rather cruelly till the very last second. When he admitted to loving her my friend, it was the final straw. He had told me he loved only me and wanted me back, when he said not more then a day later he loved her and told me her fiance and her had broken up. (It was a open relationship.) I saw red, and for the first time since this all began i lost my temper. I Threw his ring at him and yelled rather loudly at him “Go fuck himself”, before i left to go cool down. While any outburst of any kind is considered ill advised I still do not regret my actions. He deserved some level of humiliation that I have been suffering. Though since that moment, where I felt myself let go it was as if the moment i threw the ring at him i was throwing my attachment to him away as well. I feel…better. Better then I have in months.

I love him that much is still true but I’m looking towards the future with a positive attitude. It will be four months october since the breakup and in time i think i’ll be ready to date. The only tricky part is the people I want to date…well they are girls haha!. To anyone who knows me It’s no secret that I am bisexual but when I attempted to come out to my mother this past weekend it didn’t go well. I managed to cover things up for the sake of sanity so we can move on and I can feel safe in my home.

That being said, school is going alright. Its stressful and painful and depressing and my anxiety attacks are up. I’ve been put on heart medication to help sooth my speeding heart when it threatens to run off the rails since the increased speed is causing damage. Work is alright and I am applying for different jobs, while making plans for a weekend in the city for my 22nd birthday.

The best news is in ten days I will be attending the New York Comic Con with the most beautiful and lovely girl on my arm. We are attending as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, naturally I am portraying Harley.

Weight loss is honestly the most frustrating thing, I continue to lose inches while pounds stubbornly stay on. I’m working hard though so we shall see. I look good, i actually need to buy an outfit or two that can show off my figure-i actually have a figure now XP. This week I am seeing a new doctor to look at my spine and see what can be done to fix or alleviate some of the pain.

Its been a crazy couple of weeks, it really has been. I’ve felt like I am losing my mind but when I woke up this morning despite all the heartbreak depression and pain, I knew one thing;

I’m Okay.

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