Such lovely words.
So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog, school swiftly took over my life and my shifts at work have been getting longer with each passing day. For a time Ryan and I danced around the idea of getting back together, he kept me dangling rather cruelly till the very last second. When he admitted to loving her my friend, it was the final straw. He had told me he loved only me and wanted me back, when he said not more then a day later he loved her and told me her fiance and her had broken up. (It was a open relationship.) I saw red, and for the first time since this all began i lost my temper. I Threw his ring at him and yelled rather loudly at him “Go fuck himself”, before i left to go cool down. While any outburst of any kind is considered ill advised I still do not regret my actions. He deserved some level of humiliation that I have been suffering. Though since that moment, where I felt myself let go it was as if the moment i threw the ring at him i was throwing my attachment to him away as well. I feel…better. Better then I have in months.
I love him that much is still true but I’m looking towards the future with a positive attitude. It will be four months october since the breakup and in time i think i’ll be ready to date. The only tricky part is the people I want to date…well they are girls haha!. To anyone who knows me It’s no secret that I am bisexual but when I attempted to come out to my mother this past weekend it didn’t go well. I managed to cover things up for the sake of sanity so we can move on and I can feel safe in my home.
That being said, school is going alright. Its stressful and painful and depressing and my anxiety attacks are up. I’ve been put on heart medication to help sooth my speeding heart when it threatens to run off the rails since the increased speed is causing damage. Work is alright and I am applying for different jobs, while making plans for a weekend in the city for my 22nd birthday.
The best news is in ten days I will be attending the New York Comic Con with the most beautiful and lovely girl on my arm. We are attending as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, naturally I am portraying Harley.
Weight loss is honestly the most frustrating thing, I continue to lose inches while pounds stubbornly stay on. I’m working hard though so we shall see. I look good, i actually need to buy an outfit or two that can show off my figure-i actually have a figure now XP. This week I am seeing a new doctor to look at my spine and see what can be done to fix or alleviate some of the pain.
Its been a crazy couple of weeks, it really has been. I’ve felt like I am losing my mind but when I woke up this morning despite all the heartbreak depression and pain, I knew one thing;
Something about being on the college campus that drives my nerves insane. My heart tightens and i panic just thinking about coming on campus every day. Back when i first started out here it was like this, daily panic attacks that led to me dropping out of school all together unable to cope with the pain. Last semester I had to up my medication in order to function and it looks like we will be doing that again.
Caffeine doesn’t affect my anxiety, i’ll be practically hanging from the rafters with nerves with or without it. If i am going to be shaking all day i might as well be awake for it. I really hate this and wish there was a way to avoid it, i’ll most likely go home early today since all i have is one morning class.
I don’t know how i manage to function anymore or even go to class, its just a uphill battle.
When i wake each morning its a struggle to find the drive to get out of bed, to face him everyday at school. His betrayal is fresh on my heart and knowing he is happy playing games instead of healing breaks me. Hope is a gift from the gods but the gods did not intend for us to feel so lost..or did they? every moment is another trial…another trial that threatens to break who I am and turn me into what I am not.
You are lost in the darkness trying to find your way home I want to embrace you and never let you go, but love runs like blood in my veins, you say ‘let things run its course’ but what you really mean is ‘i want you to live in pain.’ Walk a mile in my shoes if you dare to understand the kind of trials you put me through for the love of a man. Do you feel any guilt i wonder, when in action you betray the emotions in your heart? Do you feel any need for penance when we are apart? So promises you broke, so many words you’ve choked on..did they ever mean a thing? they meant everything to me. Will you cry from my absence? I doubt you will the truth is I am nothing to you anymore.
The pills in my hand steady my mind so I can see through the fog, they give me control over all I do and feel, all accept you. Your more addictive then any drug i’ve had, your worse then nicotine your deadlier then gas, you move forward blindly as you try to erase the past.
With my rings in your car and so many reminders littering your room, I wonder how ignoring me has become so easy, so soon. I want you to come home but I also want you to suffer like me, is the virtue of a saint one that lets things go so freely? My will to carry on is wearing thin and you care less and less everyday, you wont miss me when I die, you never missed me anyway.
Growing up I have never felt normal, i was always nervously scratching at my skin tearing patches of it off and getting rid of imperfections, i was always anxious and scared with my thoughts racing leaving paranoia in it’s wake. I was always going from super happy to dead inside within seconds and doing things I could not control. My body is very broken, but its my body as is my mind. Society as a whole forget that mental illnesses are no different then heart disease or asthma, you take medication to manage them and make the body function normal and that is the same with treating mental illness. I have five professionally diagnosed problems with this old brain of mine and I am going to explain them as best I can.
Clinical Depression: True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.
Some days I am on top of the world, some days I am so happy i feel like flying, and its like theres a click in my mind and with no warning i feel like I am falling and while the ground is rushing towards me i’m trying to pull up and keep flying but it just does not work. I feel the sadness down into my soul, it aches in my bones and I end up losing the love of things I normally love all the time. I began treatment for my depression when I was seventeen years old and finally at age twenty one we have found a medication that is seeming to make a difference and help my brain level out. I’ve had countless amounts of people tell me to ‘get over it’ to pretend i have no problems or to just smile anyway. Depression is a disorder that lives in your soul and destroys who you truly are and without proper treatment can lead to death. Its not something to tease about or misunderstand its serious and truly painful to live with.
Anxiety Disorder: An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been the brave coward, always so wound up tight with fear and tension but always too reckless for there own good. Though the cocktail of mental illnesses I have tend to make me a little zany it would appear, it took me a decade and a half to first feel what it is like to be calm. I started treatment when i was seventeen and the first day on the medicine I was so mellow I went to my counselor and asked her if I was dying haha! She told me I was like a spring, I was so used to being wound tight that when the medicine loosened me up I didn’t recognize the feeling. When my anxiety acts up i scratch or peal at my skin i move my leg alot. I get out of my seat, i pace i walk in circles I sit back down. Anxiety is a huge part of my life and my personality it would seem, having this issue has made it so I literally run from the classroom at the mention of public speaking.
Impulse Control Disorder: is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, urge or impulse that may harm oneself or others.
We all have impulses, or cravings to do things. Someone living with ICD does not have the ability to resist those cravings. One of the most prominent things my ICD does is the need to hit people, I hit people all the time. Well i did, hit people. Sometimes something goes wonky in my head and I see what i’m doing-i’m asking myself why I am doing it and then bam its done. Or it happens without me noticing and someone is saying to me “hey! why did you slap me!?” and honestly? I had no answer. It escalated for years growing into greater acts of violence that left me guilt ridden and believing I was truly a monster-a beast who needed to be put down. At long last I took part in therapy with the right doctor who helped me find the root source and to understand myself and my problem so I can be treated. I’ve gone two months without hitting anyone, I don’t want to-i do not need too nor will I do it. The guilt eats me alive but now i can start healing myself and the ones I hurt. Living with this issue is like being possessed I don’t have much control over what I do and its maddening, but with the past few months I have become stronger then I have ever been and have finally gotten control over my impulses-though I will have slip ups I know I will get even better then before.
Dermatillomania:The primary characteristic of Skin Picking Disorder (also known as Dermatillomania or Excoriation) is the repetitive picking at one’s own skin to the extent of causing damage. Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking. However, Skin Picking Disorder may involve any part of the body
Well what can I say? it falls under the impulse control issues. I pick my skin, I do it all the time i tear flesh that looks bad I really can’t help it. It goes beyond biting your nails though it goes as far as pure panic and picking at dry skin, it goes as far as waking up in the morning your nails covered in dried blood your fingers raw and still bleeding. It goes as far as having scars on your face, scars you cannot hide even though your ashamed.
Eating Disorder Otherwise Not Specified: (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS
Anyone who knows me wouldn’t realize I have a eating disorder when the look at me. Normally i love food, i enjoy eating. But that monster in your head that doesn’t really ever die is still there, my freshman year in high school i was 5’4 and weighed under eighty-five pounds. I became a pro at never eating and felt ill when I did, I started the road to recovery by sophomore year and by Junior year its like my body turned against me. I started all my medications along with worsening issues in my spine and the weight flied onto my body leaving me depressed and disgusted with myself. Lately I am dieting and Ednos has reared its ugly head again and I am doing my best to be stronger then that issue even though its hard. I’ve lost so much weight (the healthy way) it really is addicting to see it keep going. Though I do know I can be stronger then my disorder.
With the stigma surrounding mental illness in today’s society its become scary to even talk about one’s problems. I hope that this post will help others understand me more and will help remove some of the stigma to those who suffer like me.