I’ve often wondered if I am worthy of being loved. If loving me is safe for other people, because I feel like I abuse love. I become so sublimely comfortable with that other person I let down my guard and run to them when I need help, I let them hear me cry and I fall into a sense of security that only shatters the relationship. I’ve lost dozens of friends…family members…even my soul mate.
Its a human disposition to desire to be loved, and I dream of a day where my soul mate will tell me he wants me back and he’ll suddenly shout it from the roof tops…”I love Nicole”. But lately I feel like that day will never come and that perhaps…I am not worthy of that moment where my life is back to how it should be.
I know I always love others more then they love me, I am a intense passionate person, I will always love my soul mate more, my friends, my family. It opens me up to be wounded over and over again and I have been broken so much i feel like I will never be repaired. Perhaps I should bask in the love of friends but close my self off to romantic love, perhaps being single will be what lets me life a year or two more. I fear love, i fear the oncoming storm of paint hat comes with trust, I can’t imagine a single moment where I haven’t felt like I was not worth it. Perhaps I wont take the risk every again of letting myself love and be loved in return. Perhaps I should turn it off, numb my emotions and drift away mentally so no one can harm me.
Dozens of people have told me and hundreds of people will tell me I am worthy of love, but in my own eyes i have never been worth the trouble of opening up to others and letting them into my damaged little world. Its dark in here and everyone just gets hurt. I’m not worth anyone’s time, i wasn’t worth his and I wont be worth yours either.