I could be yours

( i doubt i will ever send this to him) 

Dear Ryan, 

 

I’ve stared at this blank page for hours at a time wondering what words to place, my hands hovering over the keys, starting over and over, deleting and muttering ‘no thats not right’. I am indecisive in life, like a shy chamoleon stepping across a branch i reach for the next one and pull my hand back before I can take that step-that step that to you would seem tiny but to me is huge. I pick at my skin when I am nervous, sad, happy, I try not too its true but it happens, sometimes when I feel the blood crusting beneath the beds of my nails I begin to cry knowing I just made a new mark on a face that struggles to light up your world. 

I’ll never be perfect, I’ll always struggle to stay happy all day long, smiles though with you were always genuine and real the heavy weight in my heart lifted as I’d hear my favorite sound-your voice. I’ll never be done fixing my temper problems, my anger lies in check the jutsu holding in my jinchuriki is strong. Instead of fighting my enemies lately I walk away, perhaps this makes me weak but I have to choose because I am not ready to find that middle line, that razor edge i see you tread between shame and revenge. I cannot balance as easily as you, so instead of revenge and anger I choose sorrow and shame. 

I laugh too loudly and take pride in too many books, I enjoy good movies and squeal at theaters when i see something I like, i hate to eat in front of people and the idea of flying terrifies me, I miss you more then the moon misses the ocean. You are my best friend my other half you completely me. 

My health is a uneven battle, as I count net carbs and work out every night noticing only small fractions of change even after working so hard I try to stay motivated moving forward step by step as I get back up to do planks after a back spasm leaves me motionless in pain. I keep fighting though It seems i’ll never win. 

You cannot choose your family, the people who give birth to you are your parents flaws and all, my parents will never be normal. Always crazy and ill and struggling to hang on tight, its unfair to punish the child for something they cannot change, its unfair to judge the child when all they want is to show she is more then her mother’s daughter. 

Happiness is fleeting because I am terrified about what everyone is thinking, am I too somber? Too crazy? I’m scared, so scared to be who I am, the idea of being the real me anymore is so terrifying I wrap myself up in my hoodies and oversized shirts and hide the fact I’m fading away in my own eyes i’m sinking into the abyss that is my mind. I am flawed beyond a reasonable doubt, a broken work in progress and I shall never be perfect, not to you, not to God and not to me. I evolve every day taking steps onto new terrain like that timid chameleon adapting to blend in. 

I can’t offer you much, I am not a size 2 model with a million dollar ring on there hand and a carefree life in the other. I cannot offer you totally normal days where I wont panic or cry or act out, I cant promise my family wont upset you but such is life. I have nothing to offer you…

All I have is my heart full of love and compassion, one that dreams of bison in the sky and wizards on broomsticks flying through the trees, one that craves making a distance but doesn’t too well in school. I cant say i’ll stop picking and that my scars will fade I can’t say that my parents will stop being crazy and the drama will end. I can offer rare loyalty and unending love and trust. 

Life is so hard to cope with Ryan, some days I do have my head in the clouds but I only like to keep my feet on the ground when its you i’m staying grounded for. Every inch of my flawed soul loves you, all of me loves all of you all your curves and all your edges and your perfect imperfections. I love your voice and your laugh the crack when your scream and your hair in your eyes or the way its easy to cuddle into your chest. 

School is coming back and so are my worst fears, seeing you with other girls and knowing I was never good enough, I’m not perfect and i never will be. But I could be yours. I love you. -Nicole 

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One thought on “I could be yours

  1. youngandtwenty says:

    I’ve found that sometimes writing is even more powerful and more of a sense of closure then talking to them.

    Like

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