He said he still loves me which is a good thing right? I should be jumping for joy, he loves me he says he wants to come back to me soon…I don’t know why but i am filled with dread and fear. Perhaps the joy isn’t coming because im scared i’m so scared he’s lying or something that he isn’t telling the truth, perhaps i’m scared he will come back and then just simply leave again. This whole situation has been a steaming pile of bullshit, but the only situation that feels right is being with him. The girl who is into me it feels right with her on a physical level, I am desperately attracted to her, i could sleep with her easily perhaps even fall in love some day but when I imagine my life in ten years I do not see her. As much as I want to see her, as much as I would be honored to have her as my own from now till the end of our days I do not see her.
She knows I wont go out with her yet because I feel it would be unfair to her, my heart is damaged broken and crushed into tiny pieces of brittle glass. But those tiny broken pieces belong to another, they belong to Ryan. While I can try to imagine myself with her whether it be for a month or a decade it makes my stomach do a flip flop-not the kind that is the tell tale sign of butterflies but the kind that come when something just isn’t right.
When I look at the things he has said through out this ordeal and I take his words his “I love you so much” and I imagine my life with him once more, over coming yet another challenge and perhaps being stronger for it in the end. I find myself settling into the day dream, not because it is familiar but because it feel right.
I know I am only twenty one years old and I have ages to explore what it means to find the one but i’m not willing to let go of him until I’m sure he’s gone. For now he keeps reaching out, keeps sending me notes tells me he isn’t sure where this will go down the line. He tells me he wants to come back, now anyone reading this may wonder what is stopping him and I can say I honestly do not know.
He has suffered so much in the last few years of his life that this melt down was a long time coming i suppose. He’s not been seeing friends nor speaking to anyone about the breakup or how he is. He evades peoples prying questions and if there is anything I know my Ryan is good at it is putting on a show. He can make anyone think he is okay so long as he laughs and smiles, but over the years of being together of knowing him and his soul I learnt the difference between a hollow laugh and the ones that made him toss his head back and his voice explode from his throat filling the room.
For the first time since i’ve known him he has become…quiet. He no longer fills the room with his presence, he no longer boasts loudly of accomplishments, nor does he engage passerby in conversation. My friends and those watching have taken to saying he is cruel for what he did to me, that i should give up. While I agree his actions were not ideal, how do you give up on someone you love? How do you give up especially when you of all people can see something is wrong.
Time heals all wounds..or so they say, and perhaps by understanding and helping myself I am helping him as well. Perhaps today’s conversation was a sign that he is following the candle I left in the window…a light to guide him home.