pain

I am filled with pain that no drug can numb, no sense of being no life to hold on too, my heart is broken and i was to young to love like the world would end tomorrow. My body hurts so much and I am just so tired i fear i am losing touch with what its like to feel happy, my eyelids are heavy and i fear every moment my phone shakes, i’m exhausted straight to my bones. 

All i do is love him i guess that makes me foolish all i do is love him and he does this to me, i gave him a choice and something tells me he chose her. What did i do so wrong? 

The pain has left me lethargic…i dont mind going back to sleep. 

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His Choices

I put five years into loving him, of helping him putting up with ever fault and issue, of working through my own to be a better person. I put five years into loving his flaws and his perfections being his only cheer leader, i put five years into it all. He left me without much explanation July 2nd, 2014 and since then he just confessed he’s been sleeping with one of the very few people i trust in this goddamned town. True we werent together when he started sleeping with her but it still feels like cheating especially since he says he wants me back. 

After i yelled at him a lot i gave him a ultimatum, her or me. If he doesn’t choose me I am gone from his life forever, he’ll get every gift he ever gave me back and i’ll burn the pictures of us. I’ll shatter every memory like he did my heart. 

I doubt she even cares the girl i mean, her name is Sam. I doubt she gives a damn that what she did was wrong. 

I hurt so much I could just scream for ages, i did say i may forgive her and i may forgive him one day but this…this is so much i feel like i am caving in from all the pain. 

But i love him. I must be the stupidest girl in the world. 

Maybe he will choose me, maybe he wont, i just know i wouldn’t choose me either. 

I’m so tired today it hurts, I ache with that soul deep exhaustion that seems to have no end. Just as quickly as Ryan walked into my life he was gone, leaving behind him the ache that exists when he leaves his place in my heart. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear his voice, My heart skips a beat when he texts, and I can’t help but beam happily when he says ‘I love you’. Everyone says he is on his way back to me, his actions and words seem to everyone, say it all. He told me the two rings he had given me, my promise rings from him that I had returned to him the day he left still sit in his car and he sees them every day. I find myself wondering if that picture his mother put of us in the family room, is it still there? Are the gifts i’d given him still scattered about his room? I miss the way his room smelt, like his cologne and that scent that seemed so unique to his body. 

I miss lying in his bed watching him take care of our reptiles, I miss holding our dragons while he cleaned there tanks, cuddling them and kissing there noses enjoying time with such unique creatures. I miss how his house felt like home and his bedroom was our secret place. I miss how loud everything was, my life is so quiet now…

I know he isn’t gone for good I know theres a good chance i may get him back i just have to be good enough. I’m scared more then anything that I wont be good enough though, that I’ll lose him forever. When half your soul resides with someone else how do you watch them walk away? 

Nothing Left To Fear

I realized I don’t fear anything. Everything i used to be afraid of is now gone, i dont fear losing my parents they’ve both suffered enough so when there time comes I know they will meet with death gladly. My brothers don’t need me anymore,  they shut me out as it is so if they died or walked away I’d somehow be okay with it. Every friend I’ve ever had has left me for dead at one point or another. 

I work hard but success is fleeting as it is for the entire world, so why should I fear never obtaining success? I don’t fear losing function of my body, it barely functions as is. Perhaps i fear losing my dog but all pets die sometime… I’m not afraid of dying, I would die happily. No I wont kill myself but I wouldn’t fight to stay alive either. 

Everything I ever feared losing is gone, from my grandfather to my love. I’ve been abandoned, left behind, beaten down so many times. 

I welcome Oblivion. 

It is one thing to feel lonely, it is another to feel unwanted. Neither emotion is unfamiliar to me, I have friends who prefer other friends over me. My siblings prefer each other then talking to me, my cousins are the same. I get left behind often its even proven with the loss of Ryan. Everyone makes me feel unwanted eventually and its stupid that I havent become introverted because of it, i still want to be around people i still keep trying to make friendss i havent given up yet though i am so tempted to just emotionally shut down and waste away. 

Its nice to feel so comfortably numb, after a mental break down, a few pills and a hot bath i feel better now. I shouldnt take pills to help me relax but for now they do the job. I tried to scrub all my scars off my body, i scrubbed till my pores bled and my skin burned. I have no desire to feel anything anymore, pain pleasure, love or hate. I just wish i could close my eyes and fade into nothingness.